The prospect of the spectacle has always haunted me. The thought of how my life looks from the outside is a specter snuggled deeply in the small spaces of my life that I don’t care to reach. It is often an externalizing neurosis borne from a lot of the same parts of myself I consider virtuous. I think perhaps the shape of spectacle in my life is not invasive, just overgrown.
Yesterday I hiked what is technically the tallest mountain in the world, Mauna Kea, from base to peak (I find this fact very funny in the context of Mt. Everest climbing culture). On this hike, I was overwhelmed by the profundity and symbolism I experienced. As a preface, I find meaning and joy doing things that I feel like no one else has done. I covet exclusivity. So considering Kendrick Lamar’s most recent album “Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers” came out the day before, I decided to listen to the album as I ascended this wondrous mountain that holds the big island of Hawaii on its shoulders. My thought was that I would be the first person in the world to do this. I probably was.
I had listened to the album once the night before so I was familiar with the broader strokes and themes. The first few miles of the hike have the steepest incline and are on loosely packed ground. The first half of the album fit the difficulties of this portion well. I could not help but dance on my way up. I could not help but get lost in thought as my feet carried on. I will also add the context that I am a full corny Kendrick fan. I say with full sincerity that his music is a type of gospel to me. I feel proud to have come from the same part of the world as him, to be alive as he is making music. My favorite song from the first half of the album is “We Cry Together”. As I listened to it, I was entranced by the flow of the skit. Taylour Paige’s cadence and delivery are so good, she talks and sings in such a way that she does both and neither in a way I have never heard before.
The second half of the album came at a time when I may have been feeling a little delirious from the altitude. Each song is so contemplative and heavy with content. I am still trying to understand and process. So much so that it takes away from the album as something to casually listen to but I love it. The album had me so deep in thought that when I would come to and realize where I was, either in awe of my surroundings or from exhaustion, I would jump in surprise. I am a timid person, timid at least to the extent that I do not like to make other people uncomfortable. So I would often cringe and laugh at myself as I made my way up the mountain.
I felt I laughed with god, maybe as god after listening to Mother I Sober. This song hits me the hardest on the album. Part of why I love climbing mountains is the symbolism the climb allows me to manifest. If I can finish this hard thing, then onward and upward into other difficult things I must confront. For many people, myself not excluded, the weight of family history is a lot to bear. Kendrick handles intergenerational trauma in such a beautiful way. To remove what feels like poison and leave the world a better place! What a wonderful endeavor. In our over-pathologized and weaponized psychological culture, handling intergenerational trauma is something that is waysided and obscured. The last verse of this song makes me sob. It closes with “So I set free our children, may good karma keep them with God/ So I set free the hearts filled with hatred, keep our bodies sacred/ As I set free all you abusers, this is transformation.” This is the work of a lifetime. The pure injection of emotions I felt was a high. It was like prayer. I am so grateful to have been able to climb this mountain. So blessed to live a life. It was a very humbling and beautiful moment for me. A thread to weave into the tapestry of my heart.
After I finished the album, I listened to a wonderful podcast on modern adaptations of Mayan Milpa systems in Belize. I felt charged with purpose. At this point the volcanic landscape made me feel like I was on another planet. I was above the clouds! I stopped for a snack break where I ate dried pomelo skin with li hing mui and tuna jerky. Again, such a privilege to experience the world. For those that do not know, I have spent the last year and a half learning to grow food. It has absorbed my personal and professional life. It is what brought me to Hawaii in the first place. All of the parts of our life put together bring us to each moment. For me it has become of the utmost importance to understand natural food production. For myself, my family, my community. And with this charge, I took each step.
When I finally reached the area that splits off to reach the mountain’s summit, I decided to take a detour on the trail to Lake Waiau. I was humbled again by the serenity of nature. I was the only person there and decided to meditate. There were shrines near the shore; with glee and vigor I continued to the peak. The trail meets the road at this point and becomes sort of bleak. It was windy and cold, the observatories and satellites at the top added a metallic tinge that left a bad taste in my mouth. I ascended the asphalt switchback to get to the summit as cars passed me in both directions. Out of respect for the wishes of the Hawaiian people, I stayed off the summit and sat at a table near the observatory to have my last snack before climbing down.
Feeling accomplished, I decided to ask for a ride down the mountain and got one from some very cool farmers visiting from Kauai. Again, elation. I cannot help but think about how some may find the profoundness I experienced on this hike silly. But I assure you it is not a whimsical thing. I have built this love into my life very carefully. The past few years have found me isolated and alienated. At a loss from many things I loved, both by choice and by circumstance. For all the things I have felt I lacked, I have become more whole. I have long known the shape of the life I want, but being in the thrall of it is something wholly experiential. Do you live an interesting life?
Update on fight for Mauna Kea: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/feb/08/hawaii-elders-awaiting-trial-for-protesting-worlds-largest-telescope-mauna-kea
US Navy Water Contamination in Oahu: https://www.civilbeat.org/2022/03/the-navy-water-crisis-could-halt-new-construction-on-oahu/#:~:text=The%20U.S.%20Navy's%20contamination%20of,in%20a%20briefing%20on%20Monday.
Short documentary on Hawaiian/US History: